Well, we've got favourite statistics quotes. What about statistics jokes?
A guy is flying in a hot air balloon and he's lost. So he lowers himself over a field and shouts to a guy on the ground:
"Can you tell me where I am, and which way I'm headed?" "Sure! You're at 43 degrees, 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north; 123 degrees, 8 minutes, 12.8 seconds west. You're at 212 meters above sea level. Right now, you're hovering, but on your way in here you were at a speed of 1.83 meters per second at 1.929 radians"
"Thanks! By the way, are you a statistician?" "I am! But how did you know?"
"Everything you've told me is completely accurate; you gave me more detail than I needed, and you told me in such a way that it's no use to me at all!"
"Dang! By the way, are you a principal investigator?"
"Geeze! How'd you know that????"
"You don't know where you are, you don't know where you're going. You got where you are by blowing hot air, you start asking questions after you get into trouble, and you're in exactly the same spot you were a few minutes ago, but now, somehow, it's my fault!
A statistician's wife had twins. He was delighted. He rang the minister who was also delighted. "Bring them to church on Sunday and we'll baptize them," said the minister. "No," replied the statistician. "Baptize one. We'll keep the other as a control."
STATS: The Magazine For Students of Statistics, Winter 1996, Number 15
I saw this posted as a comment on here somewhere:
A: I used to think correlation implied causation. Then I took a statistics class. Now I don't.
B: Sounds like the class helped.
A: Well, maybe.
Title text: Correlation doesn't imply causation, but it does waggle its eyebrows suggestively and gesture furtively while mouthing 'look over there'.
George Burns said that "If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age."
Two statisticians were traveling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don’t worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York.
A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York.
Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine. However, it would now take 18 hours to get to New York.
At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said, “Gee, I hope we don’t lose that last engine, or we’ll be up here forever!”
One passed by Gary Ramseyer:
Statistics play an important role in genetics. For instance, statistics prove that numbers of offspring is an inherited trait. If your parent didn't have any kids, odds are you won't either.
Statistics may be dull, but it has its moments.
A statistics major was completely hung over the day of his final exam. It was a true/false test, so he decided to flip a coin for the answers. The statistics professor watched the student the entire two hours as he was flipping the coin … writing the answer … flipping the coin … writing the answer. At the end of the two hours, everyone else had left the final except for the one student. The professor walks up to his desk and interrupts the student, saying, “Listen, I have seen that you did not study for this statistics test, you didn’t even open the exam. If you are just flipping a coin for your answer, what is taking you so long?” The student replies bitterly (as he is still flipping the coin), “Shhh! I am checking my answers!”
I've posted a few others on my blog.
A statistician confidently tried to cross a river that was 1 meter deep on average. He drowned.
A mathematician, a physicist and a statistician went hunting for deer. When they chanced upon one buck lounging about, the mathematician fired first, missing the buck's nose by a few inches. The physicist then tried his hand, and missed the tail by a wee bit. The statistician started jumping up and down saying "We got him! We got him!"
"If you torture data enough it will confess" one of my professors
Yo momma is so mean, she has no standard deviation!
If you choose an answer to this question at random, what is the chance you will be correct?
(was published on ANZSTAT mailing list a couple of days ago).
I once asked out a statistician.
She failed to reject me.
This is actually a quote that (unintendedly) happens to be a joke:
"Every American should have above average income, and my Administration is going to see they get it." (Bill Clinton on campaign trail)
Why are open source statistical programming languages the best?
Because they R.
I thought I'd start the ball rolling with my favourite.
"Being a statistician means never having to say you are certain."
One day there was a fire in a wastebasket in the office of the Dean of Sciences. In rushed a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician. The physicist immediately starts to work on how much energy would have to be removed from the fire to stop the combustion. The chemist works on which reagent would have to be added to the fire to prevent oxidation. While they are doing this, the statistician is setting fires to all the other wastebaskets in the office. "What are you doing?" the others demand. The statistician replies, "Well, to solve the problem, you obviously need a larger sample size."
Quoted by Steve Simon, www.pmean.com, and attributed to Gary C. Ramseyer's First Internet Gallery of Statistics Jokes at www.ilstu.edu/~gcramsey/Gallery.html.
67% of statistics are made up.
Here is a list of many fun statistics jokes (link)
Here are just a few:
Did you hear the one about the statistician? Probably....
It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest. -- S. den Hartog, Ph D. Thesis Universtity of Groningen.
A statistician is a person who draws a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion.
The average statistician is just plain mean.
And there is also the one from a TED talk:
"A friend asked my wife what I do. She answered that I model. Model what, she was asked - he models genes, she answered."
On average, every one of us has one testicle.
What question does the Cauchy distribution hate to be asked?
Got a moment?
There are two kinds of people in the world:
- Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
I found this list of quotes from Gelman's famous Bayesian Data Analysis book on this link. They are more like witty, stand-up one-liners but I enjoyed them a lot. Just a few below to whet your appetite:
1 "As you know from teaching introductory statistics, 30 is infinity."
2 "Suppose there's someone you want to get to know better, but you have to talk to all her friends too. They're like the nuisance parameters."
3 People don't go around introducing you to their ex-wives." (on why model improvement doesn't make it into papers)
Statisticians do it with significance
Biostatisticians do it with power
Epidemiologists do it with populations
Bayesians do it with a posterior
Did you hear about the General Motors test for autocorrelation? Or the General Mills test for serial correlation?
A statistic professor plans to travel to a conference by plane. When he passes the security check, they discover a bomb in his carry-on-baggage. Of course, he is hauled off immediately for interrogation.
"I don't understand it!" the interrogating officer exclaims. "You're an accomplished professional, a caring family man, a pillar of your parish - and now you want to destroy that all by blowing up an airplane!"
"Sorry", the professor interrupts him. "I had never intended to blow up the plane."
"So, for what reason else did you try to bring a bomb on board?!"
"Let me explain. Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. That's quite high if you think about it - so high that I wouldn't have any peace of mind on a flight."
"And what does this have to do with you bringing a bomb on board of a plane?"
"You see, since the probability of one bomb being on my plane is 1/1000, the chance that there are two bombs is 1/1000000. If I already bring one, the chance of another bomb being around is actually 1/1000000, and I am much safer..."
I'm posting this under "jokes", but the facts are completely accurate. See www.amstat.org/membersonly and click on Reverse Time Capsule.
To celebrate the 175th anniversary of the American Statistical Association, the ASA has a “reverse time capsule” project. Members answer questions forecasting what various aspects of the world will be like in 2039.
The entrants are all professional statisticians willing to pay membership fees, so it’s an elite group. What’s the prize? “When the reverse time capsule is opened in 2039, members with the best guesses will be rewarded with a lifetime membership in the ASA.”
Not much incentive for me. In 2039, I will be 89 years old, if I’m still alive. While I hope to be mentally active at that time, I’m probably not going to be working as a professional statistician. Even if I am, the plausible length of a lifetime membership beginning at age 89 is very short.
What would be interesting would be to do this in reverse: everyone who enters gets a lifetime membership in the ASA starting now. When the time capsule is opened in 2039, those who didn’t win would have to pay up.
Here's a groaner: Q: What do you call 100 statisticians at a tea party? A: A Z-Party.